Nunc et in hora mortis nostrae

An old friend of my ex-husband, S—, committed suicide on January 3. I wasn’t particularly close to him, in fact, his friend often argued with me over our differing ideologies of religion. My heart, nevertheless, is saddened.

“I’m here to save you.”

Last night, I finally got around to going to an Advent Penance Service. It had been eight months since my last confession. I didn’t cry, like I normally do, probably because of what the priest said at the service.

Growing up

Change is difficult enough as it is but waiting is harder.  Once again, I have to put all my trust in the belief that God knows what’s going on and right now I need to just sit tight and let him do his work.

Finishing the race

2011 is almost here and every major social and news website has some article about the “year in review.” But why look in the rear view mirror? I’ve got a nice, clean windshield right in front of me.

Keeping on

I haven’t posted in a bit about anything terribly personal, but I assure you, things are going on.

“Friends, they are jewels, twice as beautiful and few.”

A good friend and mother-figure of mine, J—, had a stroke this weekend.  I was devastated. This woman helped me with so much in my formative years and she helped my father to understand how to raise a teenage daughter.

What’s Best for Me

I am in such a state of uncertainty lately. I am tempted to make haste decisions and I am struggling so hard to avoid that. I keep praying for God to illuminate the narrow path a little more brightly, so that I may watch my steps carefully.

In the meantime, I’ve taken up a new mission in my life: to be more spontaneous. I just spent a couple of days this past week with my brother and his family and being spontaneous. I’ve been very open-minded about how I spend my time. I had blogged several weeks ago that I have been finding myself pleasantly surprised by the opportunities that have presented themselves by my just being there.

But being spontaneous, for me, also means watching the wake of destruction I can leave. I don’t intend to hurt anyone, but I am also keenly aware of that I can be focused on a single goal and I may fail to see the bigger picture. I have to put my trust in God and in my friends to keep me mindful of what is best for me.

Spontaneity is Refreshing

It’s been a long weekend, full of delightful surprises in my social life.  I decided to be spontaneous on Friday evening and take a quick trip to Houston to stay with friends.  It was either that or face four days of being alone, watching sappy DVDs and the World Cup.  I had forgotten how much I love being spontaneous.

Create Within Me a New Heart

A few days have passed and my friend hasn’t yet acknowledged my apologies.  I’m pretty heart-broken by that, but I know that life goes on.

Create in me a clean heart, O Lord, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. (Psalm 51:10)

I’ve been constantly praying for God to give me a clean heart.  A new spirit.  I am putting my trust in Him that everything will be okay.  So far, it’s working.   I can already feel the burdens being released from my shoulders.  I know that I am forgiven, but I have to forgive myself and that’s tough.  But if I will trust, I must let it go.  Let it be. 

I will try to spend some time in adoration, nearer to Christ.

Apologies

If there were words to express how humbled I have been this last week, I am certainly not knowledgeable of them.

I have hurt a friend in a very deep way and I have hurt myself more so.  I completely took advantage of him because of my own weakness and my inability to have things go my way, in spite of lack of communication.  I think he forgave me, quite immediately.  But I have rarely felt so low in my life