Feeling real

This is the last weekend I’m spending alone in my current city. My ex-husband had asked me if we could meet one last time so that he might say goodbye to the dog.

I would elaborate more about the petty details, but I came away from the awkward meeting feeling both happy and sad.

I’m happy because God is good and in his infinite wisdom and mercy, I was able to forget until today a lot of the hurt I felt in both my marriage and through the divorce. I was sad, though, for a couple of reasons. I was sad that I had to recollect it. I was sad because he hasn’t changed much despite my prayers for him.  And if I’m completely honest, I’m sad that somewhere deep down, I will miss him (platonically).

The brutal truth is that he was my husband. And there was a time when I loved him. Despite the love I have now, there’s always going to be a soft spot for him. How could I be who I am today without his role in my past? But I see how much my life is changing, progressing, without him. I’m sad, grateful, and relieved that he wasn’t part of it.

When I said goodbye today, it really felt real. I think that’s the first “real” goodbye I’ve felt since I decided to move.