All That I Have Written Is Straw. . .

Meanderings of a Catholic Devout

Rifting

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My theological studies are humbling. I can honestly say that I never get tired of learning more about God, his Son and his Word. Everything that I learn reveals that I know so little.

After class recently, I sat in my vehicle and quietly cried. I was so thankful for my classmates, most of whom are advanced seminarians and impressed that I was able to keep up with them. I feel like I’m at such a disadvantage because everyone is so recent to studying and it’s been 11 years for me. I’m not used to taking notes, not used to writing research papers. I forgot how much academia focuses on dialogue, ideas, concepts as opposed to the black and white rules of reality.

I suppose what keeps me going is the subject matter. I love learning of God. Everything I learn also reveals a new side of real life to me. I find myself more patient with people’s flaws, more appreciative of God’s love for them.

I find myself getting in touch more with the state of sin I’m in. Understanding the curse of original sin, in that I desire so much in my heart to do God’s will, but I simply won’t. Not for any reason other than defying Him and what is good, that is how innate the curse is within me, I feel.

If I am really honest with myself, then, I am saddened by my predicament a bit. My heart is set upon two loves, a divine love and a human love. I feel that the object of my human affection doesn’t care much for the object of my soul’s affection. I know he tolerates it, I know he supports my pursuit of theology, but how is it that he can love me without loving that which I also love? I mean, he hasn’t come to terms with his own faith yet. Alas, I still remain ever hopeful; but I can’t help but feel a rift in my heart because unless my two loves eventually meet, I am forlorn and incapable of giving all of the entirety of my heart to either.

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Written by Written Straw

September 21, 2011 at 12:28 pm

Posted in Catholic, Faith, Life

Tagged with , , ,

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