All That I Have Written Is Straw. . .

Meanderings of a Catholic Devout

Cutting Strings

with 2 comments

Ever get those days when you’re just fed up?  I’m annoyed at something in my life and I’m not sure what it is.  I’m too old to beat around the bush and I’m too young to feel old.  My patience is wearing down with people who can’t make firm decisions, even small ones.  But maybe it’s time for some self-reflection.  If indecisiveness is what is annoying me about other people, then perhaps I am being indecisive about something.  What is it, exactly?  Here’s my theory:

I am coming to a point of self-realization.  I know what I want, but I can’t quite get there on my own.  I feel like I make a firm decision to go in one direction, but God seems to have a different path planned for me.  So I pray, not my will, but Thy will. . . and I try to follow that path, only to come to a chasm of doubt in my heart.  “Faith is taking the first step, even when you can’t see the entire staircase.” (MLK, Jr.). 

I know this is about trust, but I have these marionette strings tied to my soul from the flesh.  I am not letting my Maker turn me into a girl, because I choose to lie to myself.  I feel like lying to myself will somehow fill that chasm in my heart, only because a lie temporarily numbs the sore edges.  Trusting in God is like pouring alcohol on the wound.  The burn is painful, quick even, but for my own good.  In fact, if the wound isn’t sanitized, a grave scar, or something worse, remains.


Written by Written Straw

May 25, 2010 at 7:32 pm

Posted in Faith, Life

Tagged with , , , ,

2 Responses

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  1. first, that notion about the thing you hate in others is what you really hate in yourself? nonsense! i hate when people are racist or sexist. does that mean deep down i am those things? no.

    second, i really hope you figure out the source or nature of your body/ soul demarkation. for both of us. i want to understand what you’re talking about.
    “not letting my Maker turn me into a girl” what does that mean? it sounds like you feel as if being yourself is an offense not just to you, but to God.
    it also sounds like you think that you are comfortable in the decision/path you choose, but it somehow proves inconsistent with what you think God want from you. explain?


    May 28, 2010 at 6:59 pm

  2. Who used the word “hate”? I am referring to what most of us are guilty of–finding faults in others because we own the same fault ourselves. The old “takes one to know one” thing.

    The reference to “letting my Maker turn me into a girl” is an allusion to Pinnochio (hence the marionette.) Probably would have worked better if I used “boy”.

    I don’t know if I would have used the word “comfortable” with my choice to make firm decisions. For me, a decision is a neccesity and comfort has little to do with it most of the time. Life choices are rarely comfortable to make. But security, for me, lies in the finality of making a decision. That isn’t to say that my choice is the choice that is right. That is why I reflect that God has a different path than what I had resolved to go down. I don’t see any inconsistency with that notion.

    After all, I’m hoping to improve myself and I personally believe that there’s a better path of enlightenment that I can’t always see for myself. That is what this entry is all about.

    Written Straw

    May 29, 2010 at 12:40 am

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