All That I Have Written Is Straw. . .

Meanderings of a Catholic Devout

Not Left Alone

with 5 comments


Another few days, another few boxes I’ve sorted through.  I’ve made this important self-discovery, though.  In one of my old boxes, I had old letters and emails from previous boyfriends.  I’m not sure why I kept them–I guess I had forgotten that I had them.  I read through a couple of them before I put them in my “recycle” waste pile.  I had kept everything, too–from the sweet, courting letters to the awful, heartbreaking ones.   Then it dawned on me about just how much I’ve grown up this last year.

Sometimes I retreat into thoughts:  I cannot believe I have graciously come through all the trials I’ve been through.  I was abandoned.  More importantly, I was not left alone.

I was chatting with my sister on the phone briefly yesterday.  She was offering her opinion about who I am and how I am.  We don’t disagree.  There is a reason for why I act the way I do and she knows very well about that.  We were discussing my inabilities of being affectionate with those closest to me.  I was suggesting that this fault of mine had something to do with why my marriage failed.  I continue to work on this flaw.  I told her I loved her.  That made her tear up a bit.  I never say those words.  I told her, though, that just because I don’t say them doesn’t mean I didn’t (and don’t) have a need to hear them.   But, I mentioned, I understand that it’s hard to say the words to me if I don’t reciprocate.  It’s very difficult to be the cause of what hurts you the most and be unable to help yourself.

I did find an old photo of me from 1992, when I was  mere freshman in high school, before I even discovered the complications of “love”.  (Don’t get me wrong, I was no angel by this point, I just had no idea what lay waiting in the bushes for me yet.)

On my Facebook page, I have an entire photo album of old pictures of me in somewhat chronological order.  It’s fun to look at them side-by-side to see how much I have grown physically, from infant to child to teen to adult.  Besides, it is useful to my friends, too, who may have missed out on one phase of my life or another.

I also found an old college photo taken with a colleague at some French Honor Society (Pi Delta Phi) event.  I was noting how much I had let myself go, physically, by that time.  It was taken when I was about to graduate college.  I am actually skinnier now than in that picture.  I am keeping it as a reminder to myself to stay on track with my diet.  Perhaps I will blog about that at some point (23.5 pounds lost since January 1 as of right now!!!)  Maybe I’ll even do a cheeky before-and-after blog on here, if my readers ever care to see.

I still have a lot more growing up to do.  I look forward to taking more photos so I can add to my photographic autobiography project.  I am still such an infant to God, though, I believe.  I have so much need of his love.  As another blog I follow put it this week, “I need Him more than I need my next breath.”

Advertisements

Written by Written Straw

May 20, 2010 at 8:31 pm

5 Responses

Subscribe to comments with RSS.

  1. if your dieting journey is written anything like this blog, i would be interested. good for you, not giving up. i’ve heard that the kind of travails you’ve been through could drive weaker people to eating more… to “feel better”.

    you’ve made me envious of Bridget. i wish our circumstances could let us know each other better. i consider myself not openly affectionate, but i never thought that a fault (if that’s what it is) of yours.

    Sean

    May 21, 2010 at 6:18 pm

    • Perhap, Sean, one day we will be much closer. I don’t necessarily pick and choose who I am close with, but my sister is my sister. There is something yet to be said about distance, though.

      Not to worry, I have nothing fabulous to write about when it comes to weight loss, because frankly, it’s just not fun. It’s hard work and requires choices to be made that I would rather not make myself.

      For what it’s worth, it means a lot to me that you care enough to follow my blog. Otherwise, I’d just be “talking” to the screen.

      Written Straw

      May 21, 2010 at 7:45 pm

  2. you say: “because frankly, it’s just not fun. It’s hard work and requires choices to be made that I would rather not make myself.”
    yeah, and faith struggles, marriage issues and your father are all fun/ easy and require choices you enjoy making. 😉

    also, you’ve got some skill as a writer. i say that about few people– even among those who claim to be a writer.

    Sean

    May 22, 2010 at 2:31 pm

  3. Hello,
    First I want to say sorry it took me so long to respond and second thank you for following along. It means allot. I was reading through your last post and am with you on the complications of love. Have you ever read “Captivating” by John Eldredge? By reading your blog I think you would appreciate it on this part of your journey.
    Once again thank you,
    Kevin

    phoosh11

    May 26, 2010 at 6:12 am

    • I’ll give it a read, Kevin. And the thanks goes to people like you who aren’t afraid to blog about their faith and are willing to share their journeys. You may never know how inspiring you are to random strangers.

      Written Straw

      May 26, 2010 at 7:28 am


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: