All That I Have Written Is Straw. . .

Meanderings of a Catholic Devout

What Tears Me Up Inside

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It’s a school night, 12:10 am, and I’m still trying to figure out why I can’t sleep like I used to.  Before, falling asleep early was so routine, the complacency was exhausting.  But now, with my new adventure underway, sleep seems overrated.

Lately, I haven’t been feeling guilty about anything.  I know that “Catholic guilt” is a notorious idea, but I’m remarkably at a loss for a time.  I don’t feel lonely, I don’t feel bitter.  I dare say that I’m almost happy.  I feel like I’m betraying some pattern that’s been set.   

I’ve had transgressions lately and I pray for God’s forgiveness, but it doesn’t feel like sin.    I know sin finds its way in when I’m closest to God, without fail.  And I know it’s silly to think, but I hope that God doesn’t abandon me when I’m abandoning him. “O miserable man that I am!”  But I continue to pray, thankful for all, even when I feel hypocritical.  Even when the prayers don’t feel sincere because of my preoccupations.  Some part of me wonders why these transgressions feel so right and guiltless, whether they are purposefully placed in my path by God, or if evil really disguises the vision so convincingly.

Until I figure this out, I have refused the Eucharist.  Trust me, I feel His absence, and that’s what tears me up inside.

Written by Written Straw

March 2, 2010 at 12:24 am

Posted in Catholic, Faith

Tagged with , , , , ,

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