All That I Have Written Is Straw. . .

Meanderings of a Catholic Devout

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Earlier, I was mentioning that God gracefully gives me time to emote.  Today was definitely one of those days.  I went to the deacon and began the long process of petitioning the Church for an annulment.  And I cried in front of the deacon the whole time, sadly.

He didn’t have to ask much, but what he did ask made me feel so humbled.  And what makes it harder is that it’s all on me.  There is no attorney to represent me.  I guess, the deacon is my advocate–he is the one who will sign my petition before it is sent off to a local tribunal.   But he can only testify for my state of mind, for the documents I provide, and suggest a cause that supports the annulment.  The tribunal judge, when my case is before him in the distant future, will decide my fate based on my own words.

I read the application.  I am not ready to fill out the forms because I need to reflect and pray about what they are asking.   Just reading the questions made me sob.  I have to do a lot of reflection on events before my marriage–before I even knew him–such as the state of the relationship of my parents, of my siblings, on my own dating past, for which I am not particularly proud.  I will have to bear my soul in this petition.  It will take me several days, perhaps weeks, to complete.  One question at a time, lots of prayers and deep breaths.

And then I had to think about witnesses.  People who knew me before and during my marriage.  I have one, but I had to ask permission from the other.  It was very disheartening to ask permission:  what if she refuses?  (!?)  Fortunately, she didn’t.  That alone made me sob since I already feel very small.

It’s good to get all these tears out on Mardi Gras, for I will need to shed tears during Lent for other reasons.

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Written by Written Straw

February 16, 2010 at 10:02 pm

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