All That I Have Written Is Straw. . .

Meanderings of a Catholic Devout

The Decree

with 2 comments

The Decree was signed by the judge and I didn’t even have to be there.  My ex-husband recounted the experience for him, telling me about his lawyer’s connections to the judge and that we could be (and were)  listed first on the docket.  How convenient for him, although slightly insulting to me. 

I must admit, I have to constantly pray to God for civility.  Inside, I wanted to whimper and whine a little.  I want to see my ex-husband as cowardly, as having chewed me up and spit me out.  I keep praying to stay the course on the higher road.  “Say what you mean, mean what you say, and don’t say it meanly.”  Are there any divorced saints?

I know he still cares about me. . .perhaps he always will, as I will for him.  There’s a calm reassurance in believing that.  I hope it never becomes awkward between us, but I am sure divorcées out there will attest that it usually does become that way.

I am going to try to begin the annulment process this weekend, i.e., begin the application.  I will try to meet with the priest face-to-face, as opposed to just email.  I am nervous but not enough to impede me from continuing.   I dread meeting someone in the future and being prohibited from the Eucharist.  That is the definition of hell.

I guess I should note:  being divorced is not a sin in itself.  But having relations or remarrying without a spiritual divorce is considered adultery and is outside a state of grace.  I believe that wholeheartedly.  I adore the Eucharist.  It is the sweetest gift of God, to give Himself to us: to crucify Him, to need Him, to devour Him, to be saved by Him.  I would feel disgustingly selfish to accept Him into my sinful body.  I might as well set Him on the floor and trample on his wounds more.  Not I, I pray.  His body is the Eucharist.  His body is the Church.  I pray I can be set right.

My scripture study meets tomorrow and I have anticipated this study for a couple of weeks. I find inspiration from this study and from the group.  It’s refreshing to my soul.


Written by Written Straw

February 10, 2010 at 10:47 pm

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