Finding fuel

Lately, the absence of the Eucharist in my life is weighing me down.

Just like one of the ten virgins waiting for the master, I am sometimes afraid that without the Eucharist, I have no oil for my lamp (Matt. 25:1-13). 

Mother is such a lovely word

Last night I got to spend a beautiful hour in Eucharistic Adoration after spending a day of fasting. I can’t quite express the inner joy I found from this.  It really let me focus, particularly on my absent mother.

Finishing the race

2011 is almost here and every major social and news website has some article about the “year in review.” But why look in the rear view mirror? I’ve got a nice, clean windshield right in front of me.

Seventeenth Sunday in Ordinary Time

“For everyone who asks, receives; and the one who seeks, finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened.” (Luke 11:10)

I sat in Mass this morning and got a delicious dose of inspiration from the three readings that were assembled so well by the Magistrate.  (Genesis 18: 20-32; Colossians 2: 12-14; Luke 11: 1-13)

Trials, Trials, Trials

It’s downright criminal how difficult it is to avoid sin.  I feel like the harder I try to avoid it, the more tempting it becomes.  I wish I could learn my lesson from this and move on.  I’m trying to see the big picture.  I’m trying to remind myself that I deserve so much more than what sin will offer me.  I’m trying to remind myself that I am loved and missed.

The Eternal Week

I think I have come to terms with my fantasy world.  Just one week without the Eucharist and I have cleared my head!

I think recent transgressions were necessary. 

In His Presence

Pope John Paul II with Monstrance

Amidst my internal struggle with all that’s been happening in the last few weeks, I randomly took my priest’s advice and just sat near the Eucharist in the adoration chapel of my church last night for Christ’s company.  I cried a little, but felt rejuvenated in my strength.   Why is it that I was doing so well before and now I’m so weak?  I tried to block my own thoughts and just sit quietly, listening for guidance.   I did feel a lot better when I left, but I have to admit, I was very scared to come home and I’m not sure why.

I’m trying to find things to keep my mind occupied when I’m not already committed to doing other things.  That’s why it’s scary, because my own thoughts seem to betray what my spirit wills.

What Tears Me Up Inside

It’s a school night, 12:10 am, and I’m still trying to figure out why I can’t sleep like I used to.  Before, falling asleep early was so routine, the complacency was exhausting.  But now, with my new adventure underway, sleep seems overrated.

Lately, I haven’t been feeling guilty about anything. 

The Decree

The Decree was signed by the judge and I didn’t even have to be there.  My ex-husband recounted the experience for him, telling me about his lawyer’s connections to the judge and that we could be (and were)  listed first on the docket.  How convenient for him, although slightly insulting to me. 

I must admit, I have to constantly pray to God for civility.  Inside, I wanted to whimper and whine a little.  I want to see my ex-husband as cowardly, as having chewed me up and spit me out.  I keep praying to stay the course on the higher road.  “Say what you mean, mean what you say, and don’t say it meanly.”  Are there any divorced saints?

Tonight is My Last Night as a ___!

Tonight I remain still married, but tomorrow morning I no longer will be.  When my husband told me about this, I held my tears back, but sobbed violently when he left.  I wish I could have cried before him, but I don’t know why I wish that.

Tomorrow a new adventure begins.